I am terrified of parties. No, let me correct myself; I am terrified of new people who aren't aware of my status as a person whose merit has been pre-determined as a result of my contributions to the local music scene. As a fallback, I have my knowledge of esoteric and inane historical facts to convince them of my intellectual prowess. But that's it. That's my ace in the hole. Neither one is sufficient to impress the average person, but, in my defense, the average person has nothing to impress me, short of being related to someone more interesting or dynamic than they are.
As a result, I enter most social situations at a considerable disadvantage. I can either be "Rob Yoink" or the smart-ass in class who connects Faulkner to the Zombies, but the resulting gap between the two is comparable to the American frontier in the 1800s. Of the few intrepid souls who actually brave the journey into my ridiculous personality, most will die of disease, or get murdered by Indians, or ultimately miss the dock at the end of the Oregon Trail, doomed to eject their floppy disks in disgust at the sheer pointlessness of it all.
This is not a fun life at all. People either kiss your ass or completely ignore you. I haven't figured out which is more demoralizing, but I suspect it's the former, in light of the latter. Is it possible to seriously dislike yourself while still appreciating your utility as a musician/scholar/artist?
to be continued...
i think you actively expect to dislike people as well as expect people to dislike you. yet you have a large and lasting group of people in your life who like who for everything that you are. it might make life easier if you gave both yourself and strangers a break. it doesn't matter if you don't like them and it doesn't matter if they don't like you, because you already have friends and people that love you reciprocally.
ReplyDeletealso, you are not only a musician and an intellectual. give yourself credit for your nuances.
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ReplyDeletei cant tell if your serious or sarcastic.
ReplyDeleteI know where you are coming from and ive thought a lot about this in the past. its best when no one knows you or dont have a point of reference for any reverence. i feel much more comfortable with who i surround myself with now rather than before. before i dont think i realized who liked me for me or who like me for furious. not the case now. i really enjoy the authenticity of the friendships i have now. however, id rather be ignored completely than revered falsely.
its my personal philosophy that i own nothing. one of my favorite quotes from seneca is "be happy and brave in the face of everything reflecting that it is nothing of our own that perishes"
local status, fame, as with so many other things are so shallow and short live. its just not worthwhile to take more than its face value from it.
as with me and im sure many others youre much much much more than rob yoink or the impressive scholar.
Thanks George and Rachel.
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